One.

I can't believe my baby boy is one.  One.  He has been the biggest blessing.  I will forever treasure his birthday.  It was the most empowering, trusting, wonderful day of my life.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't smile at the thought of his birth.  One whole year later... it's time to relive that amazing day.

The day I went into labor was a Sunday.  Every 7-10 minutes I felt my stomach tighten.  I walked... I walked so much my feet hurt.  I think we took about 10 walks.  I was not going to let this be a false alarm.  We walked the beach twice that day.  It was so relaxing, surreal, and calming.  I remember looking at Leah, knowing this would be my last day with just her.  She was so little, so cute and innocent.  I remember trying to snuggle with her, it was so hard to snuggle when my stomach was so big.  I wanted to hold on to her littleness.  It was very bittersweet, but I was ready to meet my little guy.

I called Nicole Sunday night to tell her the contractions were getting closer and stronger, and she suggested I try to get some rest.  I remember laying in bed anxious, excited, and trying so very hard to fall asleep.  I think I dozed off a few times, only to be awaken 5-10 minutes later.  I actually smiled every time I was woken up by a contraction.  I knew I would meet my little Brayden soon.  Around 1am I decided I was going to continue walking.  I paced back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  I made a little track in the carpet, I was getting more excited by the minute.  I remember the tightening in my abdomen to be so much stronger.  I had to stop while contracting and sway my hips back and forth.  I then called Nicole a second time and told her I think she should come in the next couple of hours.  She headed out right away.  I thought she was showing up too early, but it was comforting knowing she was going to be here soon.

Cavan started to fill up the birthing tub located in our bedroom.  I remember it was so warm, the steam from the tub made our room feel like a sauna.  I had worship music on, dim lighting, and continued pacing.  I remember looking at Cavan.  He was so strong, calm, and confident.  He made me feel even more calm knowing he was too.

By the time the sun came up, Nicole was here.  She instantly made me feel at ease.  I remember her saying I was probably 5cm dilated and I could get in the tub whenever I wanted.  I thought she was crazy.  There was no way I was already 5cm.  I guessed I was 3cm.  I asked her to check my dilation because I honestly didn't feel like I was so far along.  I didn't want to delay any progress I was already making.  I was really ok with walking for a few more hours.  I didn't at all feel like I hadn't slept in over 24 hours.  I was excited and ready to go!  Nicole checked me and I was already a good 7cm dilated.  I remember laughing, I was thrilled.  I immediately got in the tub and felt instant relief.

My contractions picked up, and I found relief when Cavan or Nicole put pressure on my lower back.  Between contractions I enjoyed conversation with Nicole and Cavan.  I really felt amazing between contractions.  Around 8am my contractions started to get a little further apart.  My body was probably just trying to recoup and rest for a little bit.  I got out of the tub and straddled a birthing chair.  Getting through contractions out of the tub was not fun at all.  My stomach was so tight.  I remember begging Nicole to allow me back in the tub.

Once back in the tub, I knew I was in transition.  I honestly could have been hanging by my toes or on a squishy cloud and it wouldn't have mattered.  It hurt to say the least.  But never once did I question whether I could do this.  I was so confident in my decision to have a home birth.  Even through the really tough contractions I was still praising the Lord for this opportunity

Nicole told me I had to push.  My bag of water didn't break yet, and she felt it was holding me up and that is why my contractions started getting so intense.  I remember being afraid.  I was only afraid because of my awful experience when I birthed Leah.  Still to this day, I get goosebumps when I remember labor and delivery of Leah (and they aren't the good kind of goosebumps).  I started crying telling Nicole I was scared.  I remember what this part feels like.  She reassured me and I pushed with everything I had.  I pushed about 5 times.  On the 5th time I felt a pop.  I was grunting and moaning while pushing, but once my water broke the pressure to push was so intense I couldn't even make a sound.  My body was pushing whether I wanted to or not, so I decided to go with it.  I remember listening to my worship music playing.  The song "Restless" by Audrey Assad was playing.  The lyrics, "and I will rest in you, Lord, I will rest in you" made me have the confidence I needed.  I wasn't pushing alone, and I had faith this was going to be exactly what we asked for.  It was amazing, I felt everything (in a good way).  I remember Nicole telling me to slow my pushing, but really, even if I stopped, my body would have continued, he was coming!  I was in shock he was out that very same push.  Instant relief, then I looked at him.  There he was.  Brayden.  My little boy, Brayden.   

Nothing describes meeting your baby for the first time.  Nothing.  It is instant love, relief, joy, happiness, thankfulness, and peace.  He was beautiful.  I remember thinking, I can't believe he is here.  I can't believe my baby boy is in my arms.  I did it.

I am so proud of his birth.

I can't even put into words my love for Brayden.  He is honestly the sweetest thing that has ever crawled.  I am so blessed to be called his Mommy.  I love everything about him.  I look at him every day and wonder how I could love him as much as I do.  He takes my breath away and I can't wait for all the fun adventures we have ahead of us.

Brayden David,

You are my joy.  I can't begin to express how much you mean to Mommy.  There is something special between you and I, something I can't put into words.  You always have a smile to share to anyone you meet.  I am so very proud of you, Brayden.  You are going to be such a wonderful man of God, I can see it already.  I can't wait to have many many more sweet memories with you.  You are wonderful.  Happy Birthday, Bubs.  I love you.

Mommy.

photos by Paula Player Photography